It Should’ve Been Me
Why their fall breaks me too
i clawed my way out of the pit
my hands raw, my lungs burning
finally tasting air i thought was mine
for a heartbeat—
i was free
i was laughing
i was seeing rainbows instead of the usual dark cloud
and i thought maybe
maybe i had climbed far enough to stay out
but then—
without warning
the ground gave way
the air turned to lead
and joy became a lie
a cruel trick
a flash before the fall
something hit me—
like a fist through the window of my chest
someone else’s collapse, someone’s fight lost
set my nerves ablaze
fight, flight, freeze
two days straight
my body a war zone
my mind a fogged mirror
i can’t sleep
and when i do, i dream about sleeping
like rest itself betrayed me
i barely speak
because words feel like grenades
and how do you explain
that someone else falling
ripped you back into the pit you just escaped?
why does the demise of a walking angel
make my stomach knot
my chest a lead weight
my throat a canyon of glass shards?
am i selfish?
am i cruel for thinking
that maybe it should’ve been me?
that maybe i deserved the fall, the end, the silence
instead of you?
because i’ve rehearsed losing my fight in nightmares
convinced i was weak, unworthy, expendable
so why does it feel like injustice
that someone pure, someone golden
got the blow i thought i earned?
guilt twists me tighter than a vice
because i can’t stop screaming inside
you deserved to be here
your heart was gold
your soul a lighthouse
illuminating everyone else’s darkness
and yet you were taken
and i’m still here
still breathing
still selfishly alive
it should’ve been me
right?
the universe owes me this pain
i’ve earned the hurt
so why am i left
with this burning
this hollow, this tremor, this weight
why am i shattered
by your end
when i thought my own story was mine to crumble?
i feel like a storm in reverse
like the lightning should have struck me first
like the tide should have swallowed my name
instead of yours
and every breath i take
is stolen from a grave i wish i’d lain in
and maybe that’s selfish
maybe that’s human
maybe that’s what it means to hurt
too much
too deep
too honest
don’t really have an author’s note this time. i’m struggling a bit and this was me getting it out. nothing like grief dragging you back into the pits of hell that you worked so hard to escape from.
not gonna sign it today.